Random Things I’ve Learned Along The Way: Part One

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Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be smitten by a screaming creature that’s covered in blood and mucous. Even M. Night Shamalamawhatshisface can’t convince me otherwise.

Location, location, location. Having a baby at the hospital is a good thing when the sight of blood and needles nearly makes you a patient yourself.

Hell hath no fury like a woman in labor. For 26 hours.

I don’t care if you’re five miles or fifty miles from the hospital. That first ride home with a baby feels like it will never end. The motorists in the line of cars behind you will agree.

The same day the baby moves in, sleep moves out. It’s the most painful end to a relationship I have ever experienced.

When your pediatrician answers every concern with “that’s normal,” it’s time for a new pediatrician. Because crying all night and projectile vomiting everything he ate on a daily basis was normal.

I rescind my previous statement. Hell doth hath fury like a woman in labor for 26 hours. It’s called colic.

Those first few tar-like baby poops are like rainbows and butterflies in comparison to what’s coming.

Baby boys have pin-point accuracy when peeing. You better hone your ninja skills before changing one.

After the experience I had, I would rather carry fine China on an icy slope than carry a baby down a carpeted staircase.

I would have an easier time wrestling a bear than I do changing a toddler’s diaper.

Making bottles is an art. And you’ll know whether or not you’ve created a Picasso.

You almost need to be a gymnast to put a car seat in the car.

Pacifiers have a tendency to vanish into thin air. Only after you’ve turned the house upside down do they reappear in your child’s mouth.

You know you’re exhausted when you attempt to sing your child to sleep and you go first.

Grocery shopping is more like a shopping spree. I think Mario Andretti would be proud of my cornering skills with a shopping cart full of food.

There is no anti-misery remedy for a teething baby. So stop looking for one.

To toddlers, everything is a ladder. And the more awkwardly shaped and unstable the object is, the more likely they are to try climbing on it.

A shoe, juice box, popping ball push toy, and books: items I have found in the washer.

Seeing his face light up when he sees me peering through the window after work is so awesome.

Toddlers just randomly fall over. I have no explanation. It’s a strange phenomenon.

You know you’ve gone off the deep end when you start a blog about parenting.

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